Low.

She hates me now. After a couple of days of being OK, she suddenly hates me. I asked her if she loves me, even a little. “Not right now.” So then she doesn’t love me at all. It doesn’t come and go. I still love her. I’m doing the best I can, really I am. I’m being patient, empathetic, loving, kind. It isn’t enough.

She said she deserves better than me. She’s right. I want to be the guy she deserves, but if she can’t give me the chance, I have to accept that.

I know she’s hurting, likely a lot more than I am. I wish I could make it go away, but I can’t. I try my best to alleviate her hurt. It doesn’t work.

I did this. I deserve this. I earned her ire, her insults. I’m not the freak she says I am, or the man-whore, but I deserve this. That doesn’t mean I can deal with it.

There’s a reason that infidelity is wrong. This really really sucks. This hurts. It has hurt her, the other guy, the other woman, and me. It’s never worth it. Don’t do it. If you’re doing it, stop.

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Giving up, then not.

Last night we had a few yucky exchanges over the phone. The last call was cut short, leaving me wondering what was going on with her.

She came home from work and I woke up to greet her, as always. I told her I loved her, and I’m sorry. She asked me a bunch of questions about the affair, but didn’t like my answers. She’d contradict my answers with her own preconceived answers. So I clammed up. 

She said she wanted to leave. Maybe she needed to be with someone else, someone who wouldn’t do that to her. Maybe I needed to be with someone more like me, or by myself. I told her over and over that I didn’t want her to leave, but I do want her to be happy, so I would support whatever she decided. I told her to do what she had to do.

“Am I losing you?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” she said.

So I rolled over, put my back to her, and tried to let her go. But I couldn’t. So I rolled back over, grabbed her face and kissed her. I can’t give up on her. The ball’s in her court, but I’m there until the end. 

She wants to know why. There is no good reason. No clear-cut series of events. I was an ass, plain and simple.

The best I can do is try to go through the situations and conditions leading to the affair, without blaming her one bit. Then I need to assure her that those situations and conditions no longer exist, and never will again. I’m just not sure how to do it.

We ended the conversation snuggling. I started my morning with a kiss. She said she loves me. 

Why does my gut hurt? Why are my eyes welling with tears? Why is my heart aching? I’m so afraid.

sigh…

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I’m going through a bit of anxiety right now. The last several days have been great, with only brief mentions and passing comments or questions about the affair. Now, she is suddenly angry again. She was mad briefly on Thursday when she came to bed, but we got through that. Today, she had some pointed questions in the car, and my defenses went up. I clammed up for awhile. A little while ago she said I was acting different, like I didn’t care. I’m really confused. I keep giving her the same assurances. She says she has happy times, but “it” always gets in the way.

She says it’ll be summer again soon, and I can sneak off with someone else. I don’t want anyone else!! I want her to see that. I’ve been rededicating myself to her, to us. Sometimes she just can’t see it.

What do I do? I don’t want to give up on her, and I’m praying she doesn’t give up on me.

This hurts. It really does.

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Always there, isn’t it?

It’s been awhile since my last post, which is really a good thing. The last week and a half have been busy and good for us, with a lot of time spent together. Last weekend, we all went out of town for our son’s sports tournament. I was so glad she came with us. Vacation is good for her. It was good for us. Though it was a short and busy vacation, we had a great time.

The weekdays leading into this past weekend were good. We like to spend time together. Sometimes we talk about the affair without much anger.

On Saturday, we had planned a date to a music event and a fundraising dinner, but she wasn’t able to go because of work, so I brought our son instead. I think she was happy that he could go with me. She’s not quite comfortable with me being by myself. I understand.

Sunday we wrapped up my son’s sports season. We sat together and watched him play with his team and cheered him on. Then she went to work, and I cooked dinner and tried to get back into my business duties. We texted a lot, and talked on the phone some. I made her a plate of dinner so she could eat when she got home. Then I cleaned the kitchen.

Things are good between us, but she still has some insecurities. It hurts me that I made her feel that way. She’s wonderful, and I want her to know it. She wants to know if she’s good enough. Of course, she’s too good for me.

She wants to know if I love her, and how can I be sure. More importantly, how can she be sure? I’m sure because my heart yearns for her when we’re apart, and I enjoy being around her when we’re together. When we have sex, she says she can feel how much I love her. But I love her when we aren’t having sex. Can’t she feel that?

How does she know I’m not still contacting the other woman? I guess she doesn’t, but I’m as open and honest as possible. I include her in all my plans when possible. I share my thoughts, even if they’re inconsequential and unimportant. I account for my time when at all possible, like keeping receipts from the grocery store or bank. She’s still able to check my Facebook and email accounts. She can check my phone any time.  Most of all, I’m attentive to her, and always available.

It’s still there, this hideous monster I created. No matter what, it’s still gnawing at her, at us. We’ll be happily enjoying each other, when suddenly she feels the hurt. She says it’s getting better, but it’s still there. I ask her what I can do to help. She tells me to keep doing what I’m doing; the reassurance, the inclusion, the openness, the hugs and kisses, the sex.

Any advice or encouragement is welcome, as always!

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I did this. I did this.

I had to go a meeting yesterday. The meeting was about a half-hour drive each way. It lasted an hour. I stopped at the grocery store on my way back, and kept the receipt. So I was gone about two hours and fifteen minutes. Before I left, I made sure my wife would be OK with me being gone for that long by myself. She said she would. 

After I got home she called me. “Are you on the computer?” she asked. 

“I was, but I’m done now.”

“Were you talking to your girlfriend?”

Sigh. “No. No girlfriend. Never again.”

A little more talk. I told her how the meeting went. She didn’t seem to care. Things weren’t OK. She said she was just tired. Then the call ended with “Love you, bye.” Click.

I called back a little later and asked if she was OK, because she didn’t sound OK. She assured me she was really tired. 

So I went to bed thinking she was tired. She came home, woke me up, and asked me why I was still talking to the other woman. “What? I’m not! What makes you think I am?”

“I thought maybe you were.” She wanted to see my reaction. 

Then we argued. “I’m sorry, and I love you,” I said.

“Only because you can’t be with her.”

“No, I don’t want to be with her.”

“Only because you got caught.” 

No! When we got caught, that was the perfect time to leave my wife and be with the other. But I didn’t. I’m there. I’m at home. I want nothing to do with that other woman. Nothing. I want to be with my wife.

We argued. I got frustrated, defensive, and tired. Then I reminded myself that I did this. I did this. This is my mess, and I have to try to clean it up. 

So what set her off? A few things: It still bothered her that I didn’t ejaculate a few nights before. I was simply spent! I was still rock hard for her. We also haven’t been able to have sex since then. I guess she worries that I’ll run off after a few days without sex. I love her when our clothes are on as well as off. All this and the two hours I spent away from her churned up some doubts, agitation, suspicion, and worry. I did this. I have to try my best to comfort her and reassure her with love and patience.

I’m so sorry. Sorry I did this.

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Valentine’s Day

I wanted to touch on Valentine’s Day a little. For couples dealing with an affair, Valentine’s Day can be tough, painful, sickening. 

My wife and I never really did much for Valentine’s. It was more of a day for kids. For us, it was just another day.

This year was different. We both so desperately wanted to celebrate our love. 

When I left for work, I kissed her and told her “Happy Valentine’s Day, my love.” A couple of hours later, she woke up and called me to say she loves me, and Happy Valentine’s Day. She actually woke up early to call me and tell me that! We’re tight on money right now, neither of us had extra cash for fancy cards. Her call that morning meant more to me than any pre-printed, mass produced card!

I made her a card. I put a bunch of our travel photos in a Word document, with a nice message about going places with her for the rest of my life, printed it out and hand signed it. I think she liked it.

That evening we got pizza from our favorite local place, and snuggled up to watch a couple of movies we’ve been wanting to see. That night we made intense love.

It was the best Valentine’s Day we’ve spent together. It was simple, thoughtful, and loving. It was nothing fancy, but we enjoyed each other. It was the thoughtfulness that made the difference to me. It was the attention to each other, the cuddling, the fact that she thought of me when she could have been sleeping that morning. 

I hope and pray every day can be like that, so Valentine’s Day can once again be just another day, but a wonderful one!

 

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Update

My wife and I have been getting along great. We have occasional uncomfortable conversations, but we can get through them with little grief. 

We spend a lot of time together. We’re suffering through the annual post-Christmas financial mess, but we’re doing it together, and cheerfully! I sincerely enjoy the time I spend with her. She smiles at me. I smile back. We share hot chocolate. I cook for her. We watch movies together, snuggling under the covers. We frequently shower together.

We’re down to one car right now, which causes a lot of shuffling. I have to get out of bed at Midnight to go pick her up from work, and I’m happy to do it. I stay up a visit with her for a little bit.

Often -very often actually- the visiting turns to sex. It’s the hottest, most passionate sex I’ve ever had. Night after night she turns me on!

The other night we had sex. I was aroused, but I didn’t ejaculate. She wondered why. Was it her? Am I tired or bored of her? Did I cheat on her again? Absolutely not! I got it up because she turns me on. I failed to finish because it was about the sixth night in a row of wonderful sex! I’m middle aged, and those testes get empty sometimes!

Our son is grossed out by all this affection, but I’d rather teach him to love than teach him to fight. He told us the other day that when we were fighting, he went to a friend’s house and cried. Poor kid.

This is a place I never thought I’d be at again. I know there are more bumps to come, but I feel we can see them, meet them, and get over them. 

I’m so in love with her. I’ll never hurt her again. 

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